Redneck Woman

redneck woman

Remember that country song from 2004 called “Redneck Woman” by this singer Gretchen Wilson who grew up in a small village in Illinois? Contains the lyrics up above? Well, I’m not linking the actual song because I fucking hate it.

And what I especially hate is when southerners, especially southerners who grew up in the suburbs or a small city, act like they grew up in the nitty gritty country as if that’s something to be proud of instead of something that’s just a thing about you. Like no, Haylie. You grew up in a safe (and most likely very white) suburb near the city. You don’t know what it’s like to live two hours away from a McDonald’s or a Walmart. Cut that faux redneck shit out.

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Welcome to the Military-Educational Complex — Longreads

The way schools choose to redesign themselves to protect students from shootings will determine how schools look, and how well students can learn in them, for decades to come.

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YouChannell: 2012-2013- Chapter Twenty-Three: Election Day is Serious Business (November 6, 2012 11:50 A.M.)

“Happy Election Day, boys and girls!” Mr. Littleton exclaimed after the bell had rung for class to start.

The class was working on a pre-bell that had something to do with what democracy in America meant. Instead of doing that pre-bell, Anima was doodling a picture of a pretty girl on notebook paper.

doodle of girl

She looked kind of cute… and kind of like Penelope, which Anima hated. She still remembered the face that Penelope had made at her when she ran away on Halloween night.

penelope's face

Oh God…

“Alright, boys and girls. It’s time to pass up your pre-bells,” Mr. Littleton announced.

Anima panicked and quickly scribbled down something about democracy meaning freedom to choose or some shit like that.

“Can anyone tell me what the legal age of voting is in the United States?” Mr. Littleton asked the class when all the pre-bells were turned in.

Many hands were raised up in the air, even Kishi’s. Anima, however, had too many things on her mind, particularly Penelope. She still didn’t know how to solve that problem or what even to say or anything like that. But did Mr. Littleton care about that? Fuck no, he called on her.

“How about you, Anima?” Mr. Littleton asked her.

Anima looked up, as if she didn’t know what the hell the teacher was going on about. Then she realized she actually didn’t know what he was talking about. Shit.

“What do think is the legal age of voting in America?”

Oh, okay. This should be an easy question. Let’s see… “Twenty-one?”

Everyone except Kishi and Mr. Littleton laughed their asses off. Anima blushed; wasn’t that the right answer? It was the legal for something, right?

“Well… twenty-one is the legal age for drinking alcohol, not voting,” Mr. Littleton said weakly. He turned to the rest of the class and asked, “Class, what is the legal voting age in America?”

“Eighteen!” the rest of the class rang out.

Anima slumped into her seat; how the hell was she to know that the legal drinking age was twenty-one? Tamie drank all the time, and she wasn’t even eighteen yet.

Then the class had a mock election online right before their lessons. As usual, Obama won because Oregon.

     “So if you could really vote in the election, who would you vote for?” Kishi asked after school as everyone was walking home.

“I’d vote for Obama. Plain and simple,” Lynx answered.

“I don’t know. My mom and dad are saying they might vote for Mitt Romney, but I think that maybe Obama’s okay enough,” Amanda said.

Kishi looked at Anima. “So who would you vote for, Anima?”

Anima was too busy looking out at the woods where she met Penelope to even think about what Kishi was saying.

“Hello? Anima?” Kishi said, wildly waving her hands in her bestest friend’s face. “Anima!”

Finally, Anima looked up. “Yeah?”

“If you could really vote in the election, who would you vote for?” Kishi repeated.

Anima shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Anima, haven’t you been paying attention to anything lately?” Kishi inquired.

Again, Anima shrugged.

“You really don’t care about what happens to yourself or others, do you?” Wilbur Johannsson butted in. She opened her big fat mouth and added, “I heard that if Obama’s elected again, it’ll be easier to make gay marriage legal in all fifty states.”

Anima stared at Wilbur and asked, “Who told you that?”

“My brother Eric,” Wilbur answered, “He lives in Washington state, and they’re currently arguing about whether they should have gay marriage legal or not.”

Oh, okay. Maybe that wasn’t so bad, but- “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You mean you don’t know?” Wilbur gawked.

Anima shrugged yet again.

“Well… gay marriage is when two men or two women get married to each other,” Wilbur explained, “Just like a man and a woman would get married. What do you think about that?”

Yet again, Anima shrugged. “I don’t care.”

not surprised

With that out of the way, Wilbur turned and trudged towards home.

“You really don’t care?” Kishi said to Anima.

Anima shrugged and looked away. She noticed that the off-white house across from hers had a “For Sale” sign stuck in the lawn. When did that happen?

     “Who all gon’ vote for Obama?” Fern asked during dinner.

“Bitch, nobody’s old enough to vote,” Ryan replied.

“I know that, motherfucker! I’m just saying,” Fern told him off.

Kishi looked up at Greg and Katja and asked, “So who did you two vote for?”

Greg sipped some coffee and answered, “That’s a secret.”

“Oh.” Kishi didn’t know what to say. “Well… we had this mock election in History class today, and a lot of people voted for Obama.”

“We had an election, too!” Ceres exclaimed, “I voted for Obama.”

“Yeah, a lot of people in my school said they were going to vote for Obama too,” Tess, who went to Portland Community College, said.

Ami sipped her cup of water and announced, “Anyone who voted for Mitt Romney needs to get the fuck out!”

To the surprise of many, Skye got out of his chair and was about to get the fuck out when Katja said, “Skye, sit back down in your chair right now.” Skye proceeded to sit back down in his chair.

“What’s even the point of voting in the first place?” Anima asked, slumping in her chair.

Greg got this serious look on his face and answered, “Voting is very important. To vote is to prove that you have the rights and the the power to influence how your country is run and to showcase the democracy that America has. To not be able to vote is the absence of freedom and the dominance of totalitarianism and dictatorship.”

Everyone stared blankly at Greg for what seemed like a half hour until Tamie blurted out, “I thought you had to be eighteen to vote.”

“I thought you had to be twenty-one,” Anima said.

The older kids, especially Tamie, started laughing at Anima because she was a dumb ass.

“I did!” Anima insisted, “But then it turned out to be eighteen, and last I’d checked, none of you assholes are eighteen, Tamie!”

Tamie slammed down her drink. “Don’t call me out like that, you little shit!” she burped.

“I’ll call you out whenever I want to!” Anima yelled.

“Alright, you two! Break it up and and finish your dinner,” Katja said.

Anima slumped back into her seat and scowled. She bet Penelope wouldn’t have laughed at her for thinking that the legal voting age was twenty-one instead of eighteen. She bet Penelope wouldn’t have pestered her about Obama or some other dumb shit. She bet Penelope wouldn’t have lectured her about voting or democracy or some other crazy shit. Penelope was a sweet, nice, talented girl. What the fuck? Oh… what the fuck, indeed! Penelope was occupying this girl’s mind!

     It was two o’ clock in the morning, and Tess was in her room staring at the electoral college votes lighting up her laptop screen. Tess was the only one who had a laptop since she was the only one who went to college. And who won the election… why, it was Obama again.

“Oh thank God!” Tess exhaled hard, a bit too hard because Greg walked into her doorway.

“Tess, it’s two in the morning. You should be asleep,” Greg said.

Tess blushed. “Obama won,” she told him quietly.

“Awesome. Go to bed,” Greg said.

Tess closed her laptop and set it on her desk. “Sorry!” she whispered, turning out her lights.

<– Previous Chapter

Next Chapter –>

YouChannell: 2012-2013- Chapter Twenty-Two: On Wednesdays, It’s Cold in Here (October 31, 2012) 4:35 P.M.

“So what are you guys planning to do this Halloween?” Kishi asked Lynx at Lynx’s house in Lynx’s room after school. Lynx’s room had pink walls, a wooden brown floor, and loads of posters- mostly of Eurovision stars and events.

Lynx shrugged. “Amanda and I were planning on trick-or-treating around the neighborhood,” she answered, “You guys can join if you want.”

“My mom’s making me a Kagamine Rin costume!” Amanda added happily.

Anima said, “I heard someone’s gonna dress up as Obama and Joe Biden.”

“Where’d you hear that from?” Lynx asked doubtfully.

Anima shrugged and slowly looked at Kishi, who was sitting on the floor next to her.

“Oh no. You didn’t hear that from me!” Kishi said, “And by the way, that is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard in my entire life!”

“Oh come on, Kish!” Anima pleaded, “It’s perfect timing!”

“Nope. Nope. I’m not dressing up as the president!” Kishi insisted, “I’m going to dress up as a witch, and that’s final!”

“Aww!” Anima moaned. Now what the fuck was she supposed to dress up as? She had nothing. Fuck!

“So what are you dressing up as?” Kishi asked Lynx.

“You heard about the Hunger Games series?” Lynx answered.

“Yeah, that’s a movie, isn’t it?” Anima asked.

“Yeah, it was adapted from a book series,” Lynx continued, “Anyways, I was thinking about dressing up as Katniss from that series.”

The rest of the amigos looked at Lynx with confusion and apathy.

“You know… the main character. She’s that girl with the bow and arrows always on the movie posters.”

And then Kishi realized. “Oh, you mean that girl played by Jennifer Lawrence!”

“Yeah, her!”

Hey, maybe Anima could dress up as a famous movie character, too…

     “So what the fuck are you two doing?” Anima asked Riley and Marilyn after dinner.

“Ain’t none of your damn business, little girl!” Riley answered rudely.

But Marilyn decided to blab out, “We fixin’ to watch Bring it On on DVD.” She held up the DVD cover, and Anima immediately figured out what she was going to be for Halloween.

bring it on

“And what rating is Bring it On?” Katja asked suspiciously.

Before Riley and Marilyn could bullshit an answer, Ryan exclaimed, “It’s PG!”

Yeah… no it wasn’t. It was PG-13; Katja looked it up. “Uh-uh, you’re not watching that movie.”

“Oh my God!” Riley groaned, “It’s got a few naughty jokes and swear words! It’s not that big of a deal!”

“Yeah, and it’s got a good message too!” Marilyn added, “It’s about how white people steal from people of color and claim it as their own thing!”

“That is a good message,” Katja said, “But I’m pretty sure there’s a more appropriate movie with the same message.” She pointed to the front door and concluded with, “Goodbye, Marilyn. We’ll see you soon.”

Marilyn looked at Riley and said, “Bye, girl. See ya soon.” She then quietly closed the door and started walking away.

Riley moaned and groaned. “Awww, shit! Now I’ll never get to see the ending of that movie!”

Ryan patted her on the back. “Don’t worry, Riley. Maybe someday.”

“Motherfucker, I was looking forward to that movie!”

“Alright, damn bitch! Shit!” Ryan backed away. “I was just trying to make you feel better!”

While Riley and Ryan were arguing (and mostly bitching at Katja), Anima was trying to stuff some socks into an old bra that used to belong to Kishi. The socks in the white cotton bra was squishing her chest, thus suffocating her. When she finally managed to find a position for the socks to not suffocate her, Anima sashayed into the kitchen like she was all that and a bag of chips. And everyone stared at her, completely silent. And then came the laughter.

“What the fuck?!” Riley screamed of laughter, “Are you trying to be the fucking main character from Bring it On?!”

“Torrance?!” Fern screeched, “Nigga, this bitch look like Sharpay Evans from High School Musical!”

“Oh shit!” At that point, both Riley and Fern were on the floor gasping laughter.

Katja shook her head. “Uh-uh, no,” she said flatly, “You’re not going out looking like that.”

“Why not?” Anima questioned, “It’s not even a slutty costume!”

“Erhm, bitch. Do you not see the tits of those things?” Ryan questioned loudly.

Yeah, so?

Katja walked Anima into the downstairs bathroom and whispered harshly, “Take whatever it is out of your bra right now. You are going to hurt your chest if you keep in in there for long enough.”

Anima sighed heavily and reluctantly took the socks out of her bra. Then she balled them up and handed them to Katja, who then unballed the socks and threw them into the clothes bin.

“Hi, come in!” Kishi exclaimed from the living room when someone knocked on the front door, “We’re almost ready!”

Katja walked out of the bathroom and greeted whoever it was that Kishi answered; it turned out to be Amanda and Lynx. Amanda had a surprisingly good Rin Kagamine costume that was almost stitched and sewn perfectly to the character design. Lynx, on the other hand, had just thrown on a gray jacket, a darker gray T-shirt, and olive green pants with white tennis shoes for her Katniss Everdeen costume.

Anima looked at Kishi, who was adjusting a witch’s hat, and asked, “So that’s what you’re going to be for Halloween?”

Kishi nodded and tugged black Mary Janes onto bright orange, knee-high socks.

“Are you supposed to be Sharpay Evans from High School Musical?” Lynx asked, staring straight at Anima’s red-and-white cheerleader outfit.

“No,” Anima answered flatly.

“Well then, who are you supposed to be?” Amanda asked.

Anima sighed through her nose and said, “I’ll tell you when we’re outside. It’ll be too long to explain.”

Lynx only nodded and rolled her eyes.

“Alright, you girls!” Katja announced, holding up a silver digital camera, “Get close to each other so that I can take your picture!”

Kishi, Anima, Amanda, and Lynx stood closely together and posed as they normally would.

“Okay, three, two, one!” Snap!

the gang in their halloween costume

The girls surrounded Katja and carefully analyzed the picture that had been taken.

“Oh my God, I look downright demonic,” Kishi said quietly.

“I look a little bulky,” Amanda said.

“Yeah, my head looks a little small,” Lynx added.

Anima didn’t see what they were complaining about. After all, it was just a stupid photo that Katja was gonna hang in her room. Then again, Anima didn’t look that bad…

“Okay, girls,” Katja said, “Be back by eight o’ clock!”

“Okay!” Kishi said, slamming the door shut.

When the girls walked out to the edge of the street, Kishi said, “Let’s just hope she never uploads that picture onto any website.”

“Yeah,” the rest of the girls agreed.

     Riley, Ryan, Marilyn, Fern, James, Markee, Bridget, and Mari-Anne were all in the furnace huddled around a tiny TV.

“So what all are we watching?” Bridget asked Marilyn, who was setting up the television.

“We watching Bring It On because Riley never got to see the ending of it,” Marilyn answered, popping open the DVD case.

“Damn, bitch. You ain’t gotta announce it like that,” Riley grumbled, rolling her eyes. It was true- she did watch with her older half-sisters Amy and Shelby- but Marilyn didn’t have to say it like that, especially because Riley didn’t want to think about why she didn’t get to see the ending.

Bring It On?” Bridget looked at Marilyn suspiciously, “That’s not a Halloween movie.”

“Well, bitch. What did you expect? Halloweentown? Charlie Brown?” Marilyn asked.

“Alright damn. You don’t have to be so shitty to my girl like that,” Ryan said.

Marilyn just simply giggled and popped the DVD into the DVD player.

“So where’s the remote control?” James asked.

Marilyn looked at James with a confused expression.

“You know, just in case somebody catches us.”

“Oh.” Marilyn blinked back and forth. “We’ll… we’ll just figure that out when the time comes.”

James just nodded and rolled his eyes as the trailers before the movie started playing.

“Hold on, bitch! Why you playing the trailers for?” Riley inquired.

“It’s all part of the plan,” Marilyn answered.

Riley groaned.

“Now listen here, hoe! Do you want to watch the ending of the movie before the feds get us or not?”

Well damn. Riley guessed Marilyn had a good point and all, but-

“Now shut up. The movie’s about to start.”

     “My, what a cute little witch,” people commented on Kishi’s costume.

“Don’t you think it’s a little cold for that outfit?” people inquired about Amanda’s costume.

“Oh, are you supposed to be Sharpay from High School Musical?” people asked about Anima’s costume.

“Hey, you’re the Hunger Games girl!” people gushed about Lynx’s costume, taking many photos with her.

“Hey, you’re the Hunger Games girl!” Amanda mocked those people as the gang was walking down a dark street.

Lynx balked. “I can’t help that Hunger Games is popular right now!”

“No, but you planned to dress up as that Katniss girl just to get a bunch of people to take pictures with you,” Amanda retorted.

Anima and Kishi stared with their mouths gaping open. Oh… snap.

“Well, maybe if you had just dressed up as a more well-known character for Halloween, you would’ve gotten some pictures too!” Lynx argued.

“As who?!”

Lynx threw her hands up in the air and exclaimed, “I don’t know! Little Orphan Annie or something like that!”

Oh… shit!

“I can’t believe she just said that!” Kishi whispered to Anima.

“I can’t believe you just said that!” Amanda shouted at Lynx, “I spent weeks on this costume! The least someone can do is acknowledge all the hard work I’ve done!” She huffed and turned around, as if she was about to walk home by herself.

“I mean… to be fair, Lynx isn’t wrong,” Anima said.

“Shut up, Anima!” Lynx shouted, “And keep out of it!”

“Yeah, shut up, Anima!” Amanda shouted back.

All four girls stood silently in the dark night until Kishi said rather quietly, “I like your costume, Amanda.”

“Thank you,” Amanda replied equally as quiet.

Lynx barely nodded. “You did a really good job, Amanda. Sorry about what I’ve just said.”

“Thank you,” Amanda still replied just as quietly with a tiny smile.

After a minute of silently standing on the sidewalk, staring at each other, the gang decided to walk into the next neighborhood. They almost made it to the stop sign when they bumped into Sabina and Brianna dressed up as a cat and mouse respectively.

“How you livin’, Bebe’s Kidz?” Sabina shouted at the gang. She smirked and stared at Anima and asked, “You still gettin’ any shit from Henderson?”

Kishi looked at Anima and wondered what the fuck Sabina was going on about.

“She told me that Ms. Henderson was a lesbian,” Sabina told Kishi.

Kishi’s mouth dropped open. “Anima, you can’t just lie about teachers like that!”

“I didn’t say that!” Anima balked, “I only asked if she was gay because she was talking about her-” But with the looks on both Kishi’s and Sabina’s face, Anima knew explaining was moot.

“Wait a minute,” Brianna said, staring straight at Anima.

Oh God. Not this bitch too!

“Are you dressed up as Sharpay from High School Musical?” Brianna asked.

Oh, fuck! And it was for the completely different reason! “No, I’m not,” Anima answered irritably.

“Oh… I thought you were her,” Brianna said to herself.

Anima glared at Brianna and inquired, “And what the fuck are you supposed to be?!”

“A mouse,” Brianna answered with an eye roll, pointing at her light brown mouse ears, “Duh!”

“You sure as fuck don’t look like one to me,” Anima grumbled.

“Oh shit!” Sabina exclaimed all too loudly, pointing at Lynx, “It’s motherfucking Katniss!” She took her phone out of her pocket and shouted, “Let’s take a selfie!”

“No, let’s not!” Lynx grouched, trying to push that nasty bitch away, “I’m about to deal with that crap again!” She kept on pushing Sabina away with all her strength, but Sabina was a strong motherfucker who wouldn’t back down for what.

Brianna gagged and laughed at the same time. “Sabina, she’s touching your titties!” she shouted.

Sure enough, Lynx’s hands were on Sabina’s chest. “Ugh, gay!” Sabina shrieked.

“Alright, geez! I’m sorry!” Lynx shouted, quickly snatching her hands off of Sabina, “You guys need to grow up!”

“And you need to stop being a faggot lover!” Sabina shouted back with a nasty smirk on her face.

Lynx’s eyes widened, and her face grew red. She was about to grasp her hands around Sabina’s neck and scream about the incorrect usage of the word ‘faggot’ when someone behind said, “You guys are way too old for this shit. I mean, for God’s sake. Leave the trick-or-treating to the children.”

Everyone turned their heads and saw Leandra holding a little black boy’s hand. He was dressed up as Spider-Man.

“Awww, he’s so cute!” Kishi gushed at Leandra. She crouched down to the little boy’s level and cooed, “Hi there, sweet boy! You’re so cute! What’s your name?”

The little boy, who was a little freaked out, ran and hid behind Leandra’s legs.

“This is my son, Kingston,” Leandra answered nonchalantly, “He just turned two in September.”

Kishi stood back up and stared at Leandra for a solid minute. So did the rest of the girls- even Sabina and Brianna. Her son? Was that even possible?

what

“How the fuck is that even possible?!” Anima shouted.

Leandra placed her hands on her hips and inquired, “Why are you guys acting like someone broke into your house and kidnapped your dog?!”

“I’m sorry!” Anima exclaimed in a shriek, “I thought you couldn’t get pregnant until your were twenty-one!”

Leandra, Sabina, and Brianna started snickering, then laughed at the frankly stupid shit that Anima had said. Even Kishi, Amanda, and Lynx stared at her like she was jacked out of her mind.

“My mama had me when she was sixteen!” Brianna stated after she calmed down.

“Yeah, this type of shit ain’t very rare, you know,” Leandra added, “I had King when I was fifteen.”

Anima turned around and was about to leave when she almost bumped into Jeremy Grey and Uh-Oh Andre dressed up as Rick Simon from Simon and Simon and Santa Claus respectively.

jeremy and uh-oh in their halloween costumes

“Ay yo, what the fuck is going on?” Jeremy asked in a loud obnoxious voice.

Uh-Oh stared at Anima’s costume. “What the fuck are you supposed to be? Sharpay from High School Musical?” he asked.

“No!” Anima grumbled, scowling and clenching her fists. She turned to Jeremy and inquired scornfully, “What the fuck are you supposed to be?”

“I’m that nigga from Simon and Simon,” Jeremy boasted, smirking arrogantly at the girls.

“I thought you were a cowboy or something like that,” Amanda told Jeremy. She turned to Uh-Oh and reminded him that, “Santa Claus is white, you know.”

“Not in my house, he isn’t,” Uh-Oh argued.

“Yeah, well Santa Claus was based on Saint Nicholas, who is from Europe! So he’s WHITE!” Amanda shouted.

“I don’t care what the white man says! Santa Claus is BLACK!” Uh-Oh shouted back.

“Oh, for God’s sake! It’s Halloween! Can we keep the Christmas crap in December please?!” Lynx exclaimed at the top of her lungs.

Everyone, especially Jeremy and Uh-Oh, stared at Lynx for a long, long while. Then Jeremy and Uh-Oh turned around, walking away and loudly singing, “Colt 45, and two zigzags! Baby that’s all we need!”

Lynx sighed heavily and said, “Come on, let’s go home.”

“Yeah, I’m getting a little bored,” Kishi added.

So the four girls turned around and was about to walk back home when they bumped into yet another group of friends, one who said to Anima-

on wednesdays we wear pink

Discovering that it was just Kyla Wong, Anima stared blankly. What the fuck was she talking about, and what the fuck did the color pink have to do with Halloween?

“It’s a Mean Girls reference,” Kyla explained rather condescendingly, “You know, like the movie.”

Still, Anima stared blankly.

“Oh my God,” Kyla said in astonishment, “You mean you’ve never watched Mean Girls before?”

Anima shook her head because she still had no fucking clue what Kyla was going on about.

“Oh my God, Violet!” Kyla started gossiping to Violet Frome, “Anima’s never watched Mean Girls before!”

“You’re kidding me, right?” Violet gawked at Kyla.

“No, I’m being serious!”

“Oh my God,” a small Asian girl whisper in awe.

“That is so unfetch!” a lanky white girl with wavy brown hair added.

Anima was about to walk up to them and inquire what the fuck they were going on about when Amanda pulled her back and whispered, “You see that small Asian girl with the pink jacket?”

Yeah, Anima saw her. She wanted to slap that bitch right across the face.

“That’s McKenna Suzuki,” Amanda said, “She’s in my math class, and I can’t stand her. She thinks she’s so much better than everyone else just because she thinks she’s smart.”

Well, fuck McKenna Suzuki. Anima glared at them gossiping bitches, all dressed in pink. One of them, the lanky white girl, walked up to her and introduced herself. “Hey, you must be Anima from Kyla’s art class,” she said, shaking the girl’s hand, “I’m Avery. I think I might be in your ICT2 class. It’s so nice meeting you.”

Anima shook Avery’s hand, not really sure of what the fuck was going on. Then she took a step back and looked at all four girls- Kyla, Violet, McKenna, and Avery.

mean girls

“Hey, Amanda,” McKenna said, shyly, yet slyly waving.

“Hey, McKenna,” Amanda replied almost meanly.

McKenna stared at Amanda’s outfit and asked her, “So what are you dressed up as?”

“I’m a Vocaloid,” Amanda answered flatly.

McKenna turned to Violet and whispered in disgust, “What the hell is a Vocaloid?”

“I think it’s one those singing robot things,” Violet answered.

Amanda scowled to herself because that was not what a Vocaloid was, but then it would be too damn complicated and frustrating to explain what a Vocaloid actually was.

Avery stared at Anima’s outfit and asked her, “Are you supposed to be Sharpay from High School Musical?”

Oh, for fuck’s sake! “No,” Anima grumbled.

“Then what are you supposed to be?”

Shit! Come up with something quick, quick! Wait, what was that movie Riley and Marilyn were trying to watch, but Katja wouldn’t let them? The one with the blonde chick on the DVD box cover? Was it… was it… “I’m uh… I’m uh, the main chick from that movie… Bring it On!”

Violet turned away from McKenna and said, “Torrance?”

Yet another blank stare from Anima.

“Wait, so you’ve watched Bring it On, but not Mean Girls?” Kyla questioned Anima, “Or are you just bluffing and hadn’t even seen either movies before?”

“Oh my God, Kyla,” Avery said, “You can’t just ask people whether they’ve watched a certain movie or not.”

But Kyla had a different idea. She stared straight into Anima’s soul and commanded, “I dare you to say at least one cheer chant from that movie to prove that you’ve actually watched the movie.”

Aw, shit! Anima’s hands started to get clammy, her legs wobbly, and her mind blank. She was beginning to wish she had never tricked-or-treated at all. She tried to think of one, just one cheer chant that could fool this bitch, but alas nothing came to her. Wait… hold on… something did come to her, but Anima wasn’t sure if this came from the movie or not. She took and a deep breath and began to chant to the demise and shock of those around her.

“Oh, fuck me!” James groaned to himself, “This is going to be one of those movies, isn’t it?” What James was referencing were those shitty self-aware teen movies from the late 1990s and early 2000s that tried to make fun of the cliches and tropes of their counterparts but ended up doing the same thing as said movies (such as Not Another Teen Movie, The Comebacks, and High School High).

“Quiet during the movie,” Riley told him harshly.

“Yeah, James,” Fern echoed, “If you’re gonna be a fucking hater throughout the whole movie, you might as well just get the fuck out right now.”

James stood up and left the furnace. Mari-Anne soon followed.

“Hey,” Mari-Anne said as the pair walked outside, “You mind if I join you?”

James shrugged as he walked out into the woods near the playground.

“So uh… how have things been since you’ve been out?” Mari-Anne asked.

When he made sure absolutely no one could hear him, James sighed and answered, “I don’t know, to be honest. I thought that getting out of the hospital would make me a better person or something like that, but I think I just feel the same as I did before. You know… it feels kind of weird being out in the open now.”

Mari-Anne nodded, like she understood. “So, do you think that if you stayed in the hospital longer, you would’ve, like, felt a lot better or something?”

James glared at Mari-Anne and asked, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m trying to ask that if you had stayed in the hospital longer, would you feel the same way.”

James threw his hands up in the air. “I don’t know! Probably! I’m trying my damnedest not to worry about this shit, God!”

“Okay, well I’m sorry for asking!” Mari-Anne shouted, also throwing her hands up in the air.

“You know, sometimes I don’t like talking about this shit all of the time!”

“Well then, what do you want to talk about?!”

“I don’t know!” James slumped into a portable toilet and buried his face into his hands. Mari-Anne thought he was crying for a minute, but then he lifted his head from his hands and sighed, “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

Mari-Anne slowly walked up to her boyfriend and asked if he needed anything from her.

“Can you stay with me for a minute?” James asked, “I’m not sure if I can stand being alone right now.”

Mari-Anne nodded, and the pair stood in front of the portable toilet in complete silence for a few minutes. Then Mari-Anne began to rub her hand up James’s arm, then his chest, and eventually, they started kissing.

     “I can’t believe you did that cheer in front of McKenna Suzuki and her friends like that!” Amanda scolded Anima on their way home from trick-or-treating.

Anima could scarcely believe it herself. And for what?

“I’ll bet you ten dollars they recorded it on their cell phones, and they’re gonna upload it onto to YouTube or something like that,” Amanda continued.

Anima didn’t see why Amanda was being such a vindictive bitch, but damn she didn’t want that to happen. Suddenly, her stomach started churning.

“Jesus, Amanda. You don’t have to be this pessimistic about the whole situation,” Lynx said, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, it could’ve been worse,” Kishi added.

Amanda rolled her eyes and said, “Listen, you don’t know these girls. I do! So there!”

While the three girls were arguing, Anima cleared her throat and told her friends, “Hey, guys? I’m gonna go into the woods to get some fresh air. I’m feeling a little nauseated.”

Before they could ask why she needed to go into the woods for fresh air when they were outside, Anima was balls deep in there, feeling more and more nauseated. She felt like she was about to upchuck any minute when she opened the door to a portable toilet- oh God!

“What the fuck?!” James, who had been making out with Mari-Anne, objected.

“You’re not supposed to make out in the toilets, dumb ass!” Anima shouted.

“Well, you’re supposed to knock on the doors when they’re closed!” James shouted back. He slammed the door right into Anima’s face.

“Fuck you!” Anima yelled. She stormed away towards the area of the woods where there was a small lake. Closer and closer she got when she heard a singing voice- a beautiful, deep singing voice. Finally, when she was right in front of the tall grass separating the lake from the rest of the woods, she saw an amazing-looking chubby girl with long, chocolate brown hair and rich brown eyes.

strange girl singing

Anima started to feel sick again; this girl looked so familiar. Could it be… no, it couldn’t be! Not Catherine from the special school!

catherine's debut

No way it was Catherine! Catherine had a high-pitched voice and was a lot skinnier than this other girl. Still, they both looked eerily similar. Anima crept forward quietly just to make sure it wasn’t Catherine because… well, because. More quietly and more slowly, Anima tip-toed and tip-toed and tip-toed until- crack! Anima jumped in fear. So did the girl.

“Hello?” the girl asked in fear, “Is anyone here?”

Oh God, what the hell was Anima going to do?! Run, confront her, stay still?! Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck! Anima was panicking so badly that she didn’t even notice the girl staring at her.

“Hey,” the girl said, “Are you okay?”

Anima blushed and darted her eyes towards the ground. She tried to speak, but no words would come out because her mouth was too dry. Pretty soon, she fell down backwards onto the dirt.

“I’m Penelope,” the girl introduced herself as she helped Anima to her feet, “What’s your name?”

Anima darted her eyes back and forth between Penelope and the ground for a few moments before she finally had the energy to answer, “…Anima.”

“You look really pretty, Anima,” Penelope said.

Anima blushed from a light pink to a deep dark red. She was unable to breathe, her mouth was too dry for words once more, and her body started trembling in excitement yet fear. Oh God, what the hell was Anima going to do?! Run, confront her, stay still?! Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck! Anima was panicking so badly that she didn’t even notice that she was running for her life.

“Hey, Anima!” Penelope exclaimed, “Are you alright?”

Anima didn’t dare turn back and look, but she did, and this is what she saw.

penelope's face

Oh God…

     “Hey Babe?” Bridget said to Ryan in the middle of Bring it On, “I’m bored.”

“Same.” Ryan looked around the dusty old furnace and discovered that he was the only male in the room. James had left way earlier because he was being a fucking hater, and Markee claimed that he had to use the toilet, but it was pretty likely that he was snitching on the lot of them. So oh well- might as well start making out.

“You wanna go outside?” Ryan asked his girl.

Bridget looked around. “But the movie’s still on.”

“Bitch, you’ve been looking at Instagram and Twitter the entire time. Don’t fucking fool me.”

Bridget sighed and rolled her eyes. “Alright,” she relented, turning off her phone, “But only because you’re so damn sexy.”

The pair sneaked out of the furnace and tip-toed into the backyard. There, Ryan groped Bridget’s waist and proceeded to inch his hands up to her chest. Bridget felt up on Ryan’s ass and proceeded her way up to his chest, all the while french-kissing him. Each other’s tongue felt very familiar, but oh so blissful! The couple was about to fall down on the ground and maybe hump each other when another tongue, a foreign tongue, slipped into Bridget’s mouth. Ryan and Bridget opened their eyes; it was Marilyn.

“What the fuck?!” Bridget objected.

“Oi, get the fuck off my girl!” Ryan shouted, pushing Marilyn away.

Marilyn started laughing her ass off.

“Bitch, get the fuck off my girl!” Riley, who had followed the trio, shouted at Ryan.

“Well tell your girl to stop kissing my girl!” Ryan shouted back.

Bridget started to push Marilyn and shouted out, “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Are you fucking drunk or something?!”

“Shit, girl! I was just experimenting!” Marilyn chuckled.

“Well then go fucking experiment on someone else!” Bridget yelled.

“Yeah, go fucking experiment on someone else!” Ryan added.

Just then, Greg walked back home with Ceres and Skye. “What is going on in here?” he asked, motioning for Ceres and Skye to go inside.

“Marilyn was trying to kiss my girlfriend!” Ryan exclaimed.

“Snitch!” Riley yelled.

“Fuck you!” Ryan yelled back at Riley.

“Yeah, fuck you, you whore!” Bridget also yelled.

Greg looked at Marilyn and Bridget and asked what they were doing at the YouChannell Home in the first place.

“Oh, we were just watching Bring it On in the furnace,” Marilyn answered, still (allegedly) drunk as fuck.

“Snitch!” Ryan shouted.

Greg knew about Bring it On; mostly, he knew that the movie was PG-13. He also knew that only movies rated G and PG were allowed in the YouChannell Home. He also knew about Riley’s half-sister Amy sneaking into a movie theater along with her and another half-sister Shelby during the summer break of 2000 to watch Bring it On. They got caught five minutes into the movie. “You know what? Marilyn, Bridget, go home right now. Riley, Ryan, you’re coming up with me into the furnace right now.”

“Me?! I wasn’t even the one who thought up this idea!” Ryan whined.

“You thought it was a good idea to participate in the movie-watching,” Greg retorted. He turned back to Marilyn and commanded more harshly, “Marilyn, go home!”

Marilyn walked towards the front yard and said to Riley, “Girl, bye!”

“Bye yourself,” Riley said back flatly.

     “What’s wrong, Anima?” Kishi asked Anima when she had run back onto the streets.

“I-I-I don’t know,” Anima stammered. And she truly didn’t know. She didn’t know how to say this, but in a way, she rather liked looking at Penelope. But still, she didn’t want to say or remember anything about that incident ever again, especially to her friends. “I… I feel kind of sick.”

Kishi nodded. “Yeah, it’s almost eight anyways,” she said. She handed her hand out to Anima and asked, “Do you want me to help you home?”

Anima nodded, her brain too exhausted to muster any words.

Kishi looked at Amanda and Lynx and said, “I’ll see you guys soon, okay?”

Amanda and Lynx nodded and walked another way towards their houses.

“See ya,” Lynx said.

“Yeah, see ya,” Amanda added.

“Bye,” Kishi said. She held Anima up to her feet and walked home, not very satisfied about about how the night turned out. They didn’t get a whole bunch of candy, but that was really the least of their problems. Kishi didn’t really want to see Sabina, Brianna, Leandra, Jeremy, Uh-Oh, Kyla, Violet, Avery, McKenna, or anyone else for that matter. She just wanted to get home and go to bed. But even home would turn out to be fucking weird and whack.

“Boy, was that a good motherfucking movie!” Fern shouted at Ryan and Riley as the trio was raking leaves, “Too bad I didn’t get to see ending because some motherfucking HATER decided to snitch!”

Ryan and Riley both rolled their eyes and continued to rake leaves.

Kishi also rolled her eyes and muttered to Anima, “That’s it. I’m never trick-or-treating ever again. I’m too old for this crap anyways.”

Anima barely nodded. She wasn’t planning on trick-or-treating next year either, but a small part of her still wondered what Penelope was up to.

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YouChannell 2012-2013- Chapter Twenty-One: Anima ManWhore: Law at Attorney (October 6, 2012 12:04 P.M.)

James was at home in the living room visiting and watching old Hanna-Barbera cartoons with Greg, Ryan, Tamie, and Mari-Anne on the stuffy orange couch. At the moment, they were watching The Jetsons, but that wasn’t the most important in the YouChannell Home because Rina screamed bloody murder from her room-

who stole all my money

Mari-Anne looked at James and whispered, “What the fuck is she going on about?”

“Get used to this ’cause it happens every day,” James whispered back.

Greg walked up to Rina’s room and told Rina to take some deep breaths. “What is it about your money being stolen?”

“Somebody’s stolen all my babysitting money, and I don’t know who!” Rina sobbed.

“All fifty dollars of it?” Greg asked.

“Yes!”

Rina was a babysitter for the Munguia girls Kaila and Allison from right across the street, and she guarded every note of her money in her Secret Box. Everyone in the YouChannell Home had a Secret Box- it was practically the only thing that any occupant could have to themselves that didn’t have to be shared, and to have something out of one’s Secret Box shared is about as much as a sin as… well, stealing.

“What’s going on?” Anima asked as she was walking towards her room.

Greg was about to tell Anima to mind her business, but Rina buried her head into Greg’s chest and cried out, “I want my money back!”

Anima stared at the crying girl and her empty Secret Box. Then she got a brilliant idea. She was no longer Anima Hatsune, she was Anima ManWhore: Law at Attorney! Because she had spent her internet time that day watching Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, she shouted at the top of her lungs-

i'll take the case

Rina looked up at Anima and asked like a bitch, “What are you talking about?”

“I’ll help you find the thief that stole your money,” Anima said much nicely.

Rina stared at Anima like a big ass zit was replacing her entire face. Then she slowly got up, walked towards Anima, and hugged. Not just a little hug, but a big old bear hug. “Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!” she squealed into Anima’s ears.

Anima didn’t know what to say.

     A few minutes later, Anima was watching Piro watching an AVGN review of Day Dreamin’ Davey.

“Move, Peanut,” Anima said, “I gotta do my research!”

But Piro was too engrossed in this video to even hear whatever the fuck Anima had just said.

“Alright, fine! I’ll just get another assistant with my legal case!” Anima shouted at him. She turned around and stormed towards Katja’s room. Then she noticed the door was locked. “Hello?” she said, knocking on the door, “I need to talk about something!”

Katja opened the door of her room, which turned out to have Ceres in it. “Anima, I’m busy with Ceres right now. When I’m finished, I’ll come talk to you,” she said.

Anima walked further into the room. “No, I need to talk to you about something NOW!”

“If you need to talk about something this urgently, you can go talk to Greg,” Katja calmly replied.

“Yeah, go away, Anima!” Ceres said more bluntly.

Just then, Anima saw the pile of vanilla-colored folders on Katja’s desk. Without even thinking, she grabbed one from near the bottom and ran off.

“Anima, give that back!” Katja exclaimed.

But it was too late. Anima ran quickly downstairs into the dark and dusty furnace, still holding that folder close to her chest. When she figured she was safe, she sat down and tried to read it when she heard something from an old TV. It turned out to be a bootleg DVD of an episode of My Super Sweet 16, and Len and Skye were watching it. Anima sighed; she should’ve figured someone else was in the furnace.

“What the fuck are you two doing down here?!” Anima asked the boys.

“What the fuck are you doing down here?” Len asked back.

“I’m trying to hide from Katja,” Anima answered.

“Well so am I. And Rina too,” Len said.

“Why the fuck are you hiding from Katja and Rina?”

“N-N-No reason!” Len blushed and turned back to the TV.

Anima turned to Skye and asked him why the fuck he was in the furnace.

“I got caught eavesdropping on Katja and Ceres,” Skye answered.

“Oh yeah, those two,” Anima said, “They were taking forever with whatever the fuck they were going on about.”

“Yeah, I heard Ceres’s getting adopted from some couple in Salem.”

Well damn. “Well damn! When’s she leaving?”

“I don’t know. I got caught before they said anything about it.” Then he turned his head and stared at Anima holding the random folder and added in a surprised whisper, “Holy shit! You got her file?!”

“No, I don’t! This is someone else’s folder, and it’s for a case I’m doing! So leave me alone!” With that out of the way, Anima opened the folder and took out what wasn’t Ceres’s file, but instead… Riley’s file! Oh, this was interesting! Okay, not the first part since it referenced the usual stuff (name, date of birth, gender, height, weight, where the person was from), but what was most intriguing was this last part.

Riley has kleptomania and obsessive compulsive disorder.

Anima kind of had an idea of what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (or OCD) was, but she had no clue on what kleptomania was. She sneaked out of the furnace on all fours in case Katja and Ceres were still on her ass into the kitchen where Rina was using the computer watching some make-up tutorial. “Move, I need to use the computer.”

“It’s my turn. You don’t get a turn until 1:00,” Rina told the girl like a bitch.

“Well damn! Do you want me to help your case or not?!”

Rina huffed through her nose and let Anima use the computer. There, Anima searched up “kleptomania” and clicked on a Wikipedia article, which said:

Kleptomania is the inability to refrain from the urge for stealing items and is usually done for reasons other than personal use or financial gain. First described in 1816, kleptomania is classified in psychiatry as an impulse control disorder.[2] Some of the main characteristics of the disorder suggest that kleptomania could be an obsessive-compulsive spectrum disorder, but also share similarities with addictive and mood disorders.[3][4]

Oh boy was there any evidence! “Rina, I think I know who stole your money!”

 

James, Mari-Anne, Ryan, Tamie, Greg, and Riley were watching Inch High Private Eye when Anima bursted into the living room and shouted, “Riley Denise Wilson, you’re under arrest for stealing Rina Nohara’s money!”

Everyone in the living room looked at Anima like she was high on heroin.

“How the fuck did you find out about my middle name, and what the fuck are you going on about?!” Riley inquired.

“Don’t play dumb, you kleptomaniac son of a bitch!” Anima exclaimed, “You know what you did, and I’m gonna take your ass to court for it!”

Riley looked around awkwardly and mumbled, “I’d like to see you try, motherfucker.”

Greg also looked at Riley and Anima. “Anima, what are you saying about Riley?”

“Riley stole Rina’s babysitting money!” Anima tattled.

“No I didn’t!” Riley insisted, “I ain’t even been to her room! Hell, I barely even know the bitch!”

“Yeah, she’s been with us this whole time!” James added.

“Really?” Anima stared at James like he was high on crack. “Was she there when you guys were watching The Jetsons earlier?”

No, not really. Now that they thought about it, where the hell was Riley during that time?

Anima leaned towards only a couple of centimeters away from Riley’s face and whispered meanly, “See your ass in court.”

     “And now the honorary judge, Judge Ami Wilkerson, to judge on the case of Rina Nohara v. Riley Wilson,” Kishi lamely announced in complete boredom, “The prosecution, consisting of Anima Hatsune and Piro Yan, and the defense, consisting of Faustine Luceillieau and Tess Wilkerson.”

Kishi stepped out of the way as the honorable Judge Ami Wilkerson walked straight towards a brown box set in the backyard and sat down on a small white chair. “All rise.”

All rose.

“And how does the defendant plea?”

“Not guilty, your honor,” Faustine answered with great dignity.

Judge Ami nodded. “All sit.”

All sat.

“Your honor, I would like to call the defendant to the stand,” Anima ManWhore announced.

The defendant took her place at the stand next to the judge’s box desk.

“Miss Wilson, where were you when Rina screamed about her money being stolen?” Anima ManWhore asked.

“I was in my room, texting my friend Marilyn,” Riley flatly answered.

“Really now?” Anima found that hard to believe. “And where the hell were you before Rina screamed?”

“In my room, texting Marilyn. Why the fuck do you find this shit hard to believe?!”

“Objection, your honor! She’s being defiant!” Anima tattled to the judge, “You should charge her with contempt of court!”

“Bitch, this ain’t no fucking court! Damn, shit!” Riley shouted, her face redder than her hair.

“Order in the court!” Ami shouted at the pair, “You two need to shut the fuck up!”

Anima and Riley glared at Ami like she was a bitch, which she was.

“Your honor, I would like to call the victim Rina Nohara to the stand,” Faustine said.

The victim, Rina Nohara, took her place at the stand.

“Miss Nohara, when did you first discovered that your babysitting money had been stolen?” Faustine asked.

“Well, it was when I had just finished using the toilet. That what when I noticed my Secret Box was on the ground. When I picked it up, I saw… I saw…” Rina choked up. “I saw that the fifty dollars I have made while babysitting the Munguias was gone.”

Anima walked towards the stand and patted Rina’s back, hugging her to show some comfort.

“Miss Nohara,” Faustine began after the crying and comforting, “If I may ask, what were you doing before you went to use the toilet?”

“I was playing Uno in the kitchen.”

“And who were you playing Uno with?”

“Markee, Tess, Fern, and Kishi.”

Faustine took notes in a small purple notebook.

“So you can confirm that my client wasn’t with you guys?”

Rina shook her head.

“So my assumption is correct!” Anima exclaimed, “The defendant is guilty!”

“Objection, your honor!” Tess said, “There’s not enough proof to hand down a ‘guilty’ plea yet!”

“Objection, your honor!” Anima shouted, “Yes the hell it is! Riley Denise Wilson is guilty as all get-out, and she should be punished for stealing my client’s money!”

“With what proof?!” Tess inquired.

“Did you not hear the testimony that my client had just given out?” Anima screamed, her face redder than her sweater, “If that’s not enough proof, then I don’t know what the fuck you’re going on abou-”

“Order in the court! Order in the court!” Ami shouted, “If you two are gonna argue, take it inside!”

Faustine planted her hand onto her forehead. “You guys, let’s just call for a recess, okay?” she groaned.

     “Oh my God damn God!” Riley groaned in the living room, where James, Ryan, Tamie, Greg, Len, and Mari-Anne were watching Top Cat.

James looked up at the accused girl flopped on top of the orange couch. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Man, fuck these kids,” Riley answered, “They all ganging up on me trying to accuse me of stealing somebody’s money or some shit like that.”

Len, who was reading a Seventeen magazine on the living room floor, looked up at Riley and said nonchalantly, “Oh yeah. I heard Rina screaming on about it all morning.”

Riley looked at Len and asked, “Why the fuck are you reading a Seventeen magazine?”

“N-N-No reason!” Len blushed and turned back to his magazine.

“Anyways, why would a seventeen-year-old steal some random stranger’s money just to buy a Seventeen magazine?” Mari-Anne asked, “Like, aren’t those for twelve-year-old girls?”

“Who the fuck knows?” Riley sighed, “This shit’s just giving me a headache.”

     “Your Honor, I would like to call Markee Yuzee to the stand,” Anima announced.

Markee took his place at the stand.

“Mr. Yuzee, if my client is telling the truth, then you must’ve been playing Uno with her, Tess, Fern, and Kishi, correct?”

“…Yeah?”

“And the defendant wasn’t there with you guys?”

“…No?”

“So that must mean that she was in my client’s room stealing her money, correct?”

“…No?”

“Well how the fuck do you know she wasn’t stealing my client’s money if the defendant wasn’t playing Uno with you guys?! Unless…”

No, she wouldn’t.

“Unless of course…”

She really wouldn’t.

“You have a crush on Riley Wilson and you’re accompanying her in her crimes!”

Everyone in the court except for the judge and Markee started laughing their asses off.

markee blushing

But no one was listening to him because everyone was still laughing their asses off. It got to the point where Ami pounded her fist onto the box and shrieked at the top of her lungs, “ORDER IN THE COURT! ORDER IN THE COURT! EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP! THIS IS A SERIOUS COURT CASE, YOU KNOW!”

Finally, every shut their damn traps. In fact, the whole courtroom was silent for a few minutes until Faustine replied with, “Proceed.”

     “Jesus, it really shouldn’t be this hard to prove someone’s innocence,” Faustine confided to Tess in the kitchen.

“Thing is, how are we gonna prove anything if there’s really no proof?” Tess asked.

Faustine sighed long and hard. “Who the hell knows?”

Meanwhile, Riley was in her room texting Marilyn.

riley texting marilyn

A minute later, Marilyn texted back, “Girl what you talkin’ about?”

“All these kids trying acting like I stole some girl’s money and trying to prove that like it’s a fucking court case or some shit.”

“…Like Judge Judy?”

Fucking hell, Marilyn. “Girl, get your ass over here.”

Riley put her phone up and walked into the living room where the same gang was watching Peter Potamus, but she didn’t stay for long because Anima was also in there.

Inch High Private Eye,” Anima said, “That’s a dick euphemism, isn’t it?”

Ryan was the first one to crack up laughing, then Tamie, then Mari-Anne, and finally James. Hell, even Greg couldn’t help but crack a smile. Riley had enough of that shit, so she stalked to the kitchen where Faustine and Tess were.

Tess sighed. “If only there was something, someone to prove that Riley’s innocent-” And then she saw it, hidden under a ceramic bowl. “Hello, what is this?” She pulled the small piece of paper out from under the bowl and closely analyzed it. Sure enough, it turned out to be a receipt from some store.

“What’s it say?” Faustine asked.

“You know about that convenience store down the street?” Tess asked, “Well, it’s a receipt from that place with, get this, fifty dollars spent on a Seventeen magazine!”

That got Riley’s attention. “Hol’ on. What you say about fifty dollars and a Seventeen magazine?!”

“I said that someone went to the convenience store and bought a Seventeen magazine with fifty dollars,” Tess answered.

Oh. Shit. “I think I know who you’re talking about,” Riley said.

     “Your Honor, I would like to bring Len Nohara to the stand,” Faustine said when court resumed.

Len took his place at the stand.

“Mr. Nohara, where you when your sister inquired about the whereabouts of her babysitting money?” Faustine asked.

Len blushed and squirmed in his seat. “I was… in the furnace… reading a magazine… all alone,” he slowly answered, his voice cracking with each pause.

“And what magazine were you reading at the time?”

This time, Len froze in his seat. “SSeventeen?”

“So this magazine, correct?” Tess said, holding up the Seventeen magazine that Len had been reading the whole time. The cover had a picture of Lucy Hale and everything.

download

This time, Len slid down in his seat. “Yes,” he barely whispered.

“Objection!” Anima shouted, “How the fuck are you gonna prove that he’s guilty?! You can’t just throw around false accusations like that!”

“False accusations,” Riley grumbled under her breath.

“Actually, we do have evidence,” Tess said. She waved the receipt high right in front of Anima’s face. “Do you know what this is?”

“If I could actually read it, I would know what the fuck you’re talking about!” Anima answered, “The damn thing’s too blurry for me! I can’t read that!”

“Miss Wilkerson, will you please put the evidence down and let the prosecutor read it?!” Faustine asked, her eyebrows furrowed in exasperation.

Tess placed the evidence onto Anima’s desk. “Do you know what this is?” she asked again.

Anima carefully analyzed the evidence and answered, “It looks like a receipt.”

“Correct,” Tess said, “Now what exactly was bought?”

“…A Seventeen magazine?”

“And how much money was spent on said magazine?”

“…Fifty dollars?”

“So it’s safe to assume that Mr. Nohara stole fifty dollars from his own sister to buy a copy of a Seventeen magazine?”

Anima squirmed in her seat and nervously played with her hair. It was at this moment she knew- she fucked up.

“HE DID WHAT?!” Rina shrieked at the top of her lungs. She ran straight to Len and proceeded to beat the everloving shit out of him.

rina killing len

Finally, Katja and Greg managed to enter the backyard and tear the twins apart.

“What’s going on?” Katja inquired.

“Len stole all of my babysitting money to buy magazines!” Rina cried out.

“Is this true?” Greg asked, looking right into Len’s face.

Len looked at the ground with great remorse and barely answered, “Yes.”

“And they was all accusing me of stealing her money,” Riley added, “Especially this one.” She pointed at Anima when she said that.

Katja looked at Anima and said, “Which reminds me- I found that file you stole from me while I was talking to Ceres in the furnace.”

Oh shit.

“Is that what this whole court case thing was about?” Greg asked.

Anima blushed and darted her eyes back and forth from the ground to the sky. “I mean, to be fair, I thought I had enough evidence.”

“Speaking of evidence,” Faustine said, handing the actual evidence to Greg and Katja.

Greg and Katja stared at the receipt for a quick while. Then Greg looked up at Anima and asked if she anything to say about this. Before Anima could even open up that big ass mouth of hers, Rina looked up at Riley and said, “I’m sorry for falsely accusing you of stealing my money.”

Riley only nodded and rolled her eyes.

     “So what the fuck happened with you?” James asked Riley in the living room as they were all watching JabberJaw.

Riley shrugged and answered, “Some little kids tried to try me for stealing someone’s money.”

“And?”

“Turns out it was someone else.”

James nodded. “Yeah, I pretty much knew it wasn’t you the whole time.”

Riley glared at James like an owl and asked, “Then why the fuck didn’t you say anything?”

James shrugged. “I just didn’t feel like getting involved in any drama.”

Ryan, Tamie, and Mari-Anne started snickering, then started laughing like the end of a Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law episode.

Riley scoffed and mumbled to herself, “No respect.”

JabberJaw would’ve agreed with Riley.

“Ayy, ya’ll need anything from me?” Marilyn asked, barging open the door.

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You Ain’t No Damn Influencer

you ain't no damn influencer

So, I just went around on Instagram looking up people from my high school, and one of them was making “sponsored” posts acting like an Instagram influencer even though he only had, like, 150 followers (which is NOWHERE near as many followers as one can have to be taken seriously as an influencer).

I don’t find this necessarily awful or even bad. I just find this shit hilarious.